Why I’m Embracing Chaos Over Checklists During the Holidays

Few of us make the kind of holiday checklists like the mom who went viral for her meticulously planned itinerary a few years ago. If you happened to see the post, it may have struck a nerve with you — either because her schedule sounded like #MomGoals or perhaps because you prefer to be soft celebrating this holiday season. For me, it’s the latter.

I started the year lying on crinkly tissue paper with electrodes stuck to my chest as a machine recorded my heartbeat. When the doctor told me to relax, I took a few deep breaths and, since that didn’t work, I started playing Mariah Carey’s “Underneath the Stars” in my head.

Unfortunately, it’s not the first time my Type A personality has gotten me into hot water. In undergrad, I was so stressed that I developed a rash that made my doctor think I had tangled with poison ivy. (I hadn’t.) So, with the holidays around the corner, I’m vowing to embrace the chaos instead of trying to curate a string of happy moments.

And even though I’m not quite ready for the festive season to commence, Carey, the anointed Queen of Christmas, has declared “IT’S TIME.” But 2024 won’t be the start of my hosting era. I’m still in my healing journey, so I’ll leave the merrymaking to others as I enjoy simply being a helpful guest.

This year, I’ll be spending the holidays with my mom. We’ll make our usual: a leg of lamb, sweet potatoes, and green beans. And on Christmas Eve, we’ll watch “To Sir, With Love” or “The Trouble with Angels.” They’re not holiday movies, but watching something I already love with a predictable ending is exactly what I need to balance out a stressful news cycle.

I’ll be taking two weeks off in December, which is a longer break than I’m used to. I’ll admit, I have a hard time relaxing on day one of vacation when I know that means I’m just one day closer to returning to work. But the main reason why I’ve avoided extended breaks really comes down to my dogs, who have separation anxiety. And so, I’ve instead become accustomed to taking several small staycations throughout the year so I can spend as much time with them as possible.

Before having dogs, I used to decorate the mantel and put up a tree with twinkling lights. The warm glow and smell of pine gave the living room an instant feeling of coziness, but after I got my first bulldog, Dally, all I saw were choking hazards and flammable figurines. Now, I appreciate getting to skip the post-season cleanup and trying to squeeze an ever-ballooning supply of decorations into storage boxes.

This year, I’m also grateful for getting to choose who I spend time with over the holidays. When I think back to the annual gatherings at my aunt’s house, after my dad passed away, all I remember is being in a room filled with food, family, and friends and yet wishing I could be somewhere else. It showed me the depth of grief you can feel over someone’s absence, no matter how joyful the festivities are supposed to be.

Whether you’re dealing with grief, health issues, or fractured relationships, it’s OK for things to be a bit complicated during the holiday season. We put so much pressure on ourselves to eat, spend, or celebrate in a big way, but sometimes our energy doesn’t match the spirit of the season. This year, I’m trying to find moments of calm being at home with my mom and dogs, leaning into the chaos, all the while probably still listening to the Queen of Christmas. (At least some things never change.)

Nandini Maharaj, PhD, is a trained therapist with a master’s degree in counseling and a doctorate in public health. Her writing on health, wellness, relationships, and dogs has been featured by PS, Self, Well+Good, Business Insider, Apartment Therapy, American Kennel Club, and more.